It was on Dec 17 that Bev had a seizure of sorts. She stumbled to our neighbors and I arrived home soon after. We called 911 and took her to the emergency room. They gave her a cat scan and came out to tell me she had a tumor on the brain. They admitted her to the hospital and did an MRI to get the full extent of the problem. The next morning the doctor came in and said she had cancer on the left side of her brain and it was working itself towards the rear and would eventually travel over to the right side. He said he could operate but would not be able to remove it all. He said she would buy her self perhaps 18 months, but inferred they would not be a good 18 months even if she survived the operation and the immediate recovery. He said the the other option would be to do nothing. Bev decided to do nothing and said she wanted to go home. He said she had 3 to 6 months.
She did not want anyone to know before Christmas or have our planned trip to California disrupted. The girls were going to be in a play and she did not want to mess that up. Also she had been planning her mother's 90th birthday party and did not want to spoil that. She also felt an obligation to finish the planning of a park event.
The first three weeks were like always, you could not tell anything was wrong. One day I noticed she was limping and I needed to steady her. Then she started trying to plan for the party and get it organized but it became more difficult. The ladies in the park helped her. He daughters came down at different times, and they did what they could. They were a big help to me. She tried sleeping in our bed but that was getting harder and harder. Then she moved the chair and was there for awhile. She managed to go out to the shed and sit and would be there for hours while I kept a watch on her. Now and then we managed to go outside where she would bundled up and sit in the son
Hospice provided a hospital bed which we put in the front from. She stayed there most of the time but did get up to use the restroom and eat. Eventually she could not walk to the restroom even if assisted and Hospice brought out a portapottie.
There were a lot of little things that went on. Her best friend from HS flew out to see her, her cousin Valarie, sister Sherry, and brother Fritz came to see her. Cousin Jim had come earlier. They reminisced and laughed. Eventually she grew more tired each day. Her mother came by daily and when ever I was out of the house on a errand of sorts Bev would ask for me. When told where I was and what I was doing she would say "good, he needs to get out more." She had a few things she wanted to do before she passed and she accomplished all of them save one. Then Saturday, the 4th of March, her oldest daughter's birth day, she received a phone call and even though Renee could not tell if Bev was awared of things at that time she put the phone on speaker phone and held it out to hear what the caller was saying. The caller was the younger brother of Bob her first husband who died of his own hand. He wanted to let Bev no that he nor anyone in the family blamed her. I think Bev always felt guilty a little because she had filed for divorce. Renee and I thought that was what she was wanting to hear.
I was giving her morphine every two hours later that evening. Earlier that day the Hospice people said we ought to move her into the Hospice house. They said she only had a day or two left. I asked what could they do there that "I can't do her." They said nothing, they were just thinking of me.
I chose to keep her at home.
I was going to give her morphine that night and Renee was going to do it the next night. I was listening to her breathe while I watched TV and then realized I did not here anything. I looked at her chest and could not tell if she was breathing or not. I went next door and the two retired Navy nurses came a listen for vital signs. They said they did not hear any thing. I called Hospice, they responded quickly and pronounced her gone at 1030 pm. In fact she had died at 930 when it was just her and I.
I had called Renee and she came over before Hospice arrived. We both said our good-by's, I told Bev I was only a whisper away and that I would see her "in the morning" and kissed her on the cheek.
Bev never really complained, the only negative thing she said was the first day after given the diagnosis was, "this is not how it's supposed to be." She was never in any significant amount of pain, and for the most part kept an upbeat attitude, I think more for my sake and her family. She did not want any type of memorial service as such, but said people could do what they wanted. She wanted to be cremated and her ashes divided between her daughters and I and we are to do with them what we wish. I am not yet sure what I will do with them. She told me she did not want me to be a hermit, that she knew she was going to heaven and see all the people that went before her. She said she will be watching over my shoulder and said she would only be that whisper away and that she would definitely see me in the morning .
