North in Alaska -29, The Great Debate

  North in Alaska – 29, The Great Debate

Big Bear stopped by as he usually did on Monday morning. While we were eating a fresh batch of biscuits left over from St. Patrick’s Day which consisted of shreds of cabbage stuffed with lime jell (Bev called these Irish Cream Puffs) and drinking green herbal tea, I thought it would be the appropriate time to ask him how the tribal debate went and what it was all about. Bev does not care much for what she considers amateur politics having lived in Chicago for thirty years were politics are pure and unencumbered with trivia such as the presidency. Chicago mayors are much more important she says. She there by excused herself and went to dig a whole for the septic tank that was due to arrive anytime.

"We hold the debates every four years," Big Bear said, "to see who we will support for president after the Republican primary. It can be a very lively affair and this year it was no exception."

"What was the outcome? Who will the tribe support this year," I quarried.

"Well as usual," he responded, "We came to no solid conclusion and our endorsement has to wait till we talk to the candidates personally."

He said this in such a matter of fact way between bites and sips of puffs and tea that I found so amusing that a chuckle could not help escaping my lips. Like the four candidates of the republican party and the president himself would take their time and money to come to our little area of the world.

"No, seriously, he said, "In each presidential campaign all candidates are grilled by a select committee of tribal elders. This year will be a little different however because this is the first time we will hold the debate via internet using skype. In fact it will be held tonight if you wish to come. You can’t ask any questions of course but you are more than welcome to attend." This I could not pass up.

The meeting was held at the Octagon that night. There were about 50 people in attendance not counting the four elders who would do the questioning. The master of ceremonies, who wouldn’t you know it just happened to be Big Bear, addressed the audience and informed them of the rules that were to be followed. Each candidate would only be asked one question because of time constraints. Each candidate would be asked a different question and after the debate no candidate would be given an opportunity to respond because it had been discovered it just caused confusion.

I was not sure how all 50 people and five candidates would be able to see via computer screen nor how the skype camera would be able to see all the questionnaires. In fact I realized that this was not going to be a debate in the conventional since if only one question of each was to be asked and no rebuttal was allowed.

However the audience sat as close to each other as they could behind the one computer and the four elders chosen to ask the questions lined up single file behind the skype camera. In no time at all the four republican contenders were on the screen with President Obama inserted in a little square sitting in the Oval Office at the top left of the screen.

Questionnaire #1 - Governor Romney, would you support improving the Iditarod trail if you were President?

Governor Romney: The Iditarod is an important event in Alaska. I have always followed the race very close, in fact I know several of the sponsors of the race. They are personal friends of mine. I even owned a sled and had a dog when I was younger. Yes I would make sure that the road was improved by asking all my friends to buy bill boards along the way advertising their company and use those proceeds to develop the trail given the local needs as determined by a committee made up of people and corporations whose land the trail run through.

Questionnaire #2 – Senator Santorum, how would you insure that each student in our tribe gets a good education.

Senator Santorum: That is a great question. I would ensure that each student be encouraged at home to get the best possible education he could. I would ask each member his family and tribe to pray for him or her thereby ensuring academic success. I would make sure that each student had a computer and engage in home schooling and not depend on the public education system that has failed them in the past.

Questionnaire #3 – Speaker Gingrich, mining is a big part of Alaskan life, what would you do to help the mining industry?

Speaker Gingrich: I am the only one who could possibly debate this issue with Obama successfully. The best way to increase the profits of the mining industry thus ensuring more jobs for this part of the world has to be bold and imaginative. I propose that Alaska, especially this part, be the main area that minerals are stored and distributed from the moon colony I suspect we will have in the next ten years. We would not have to strip away the beautiful land we have here only build a large facility and landing area for ships returning from the moon full of ore and precious minerals.

Questionnaire #4 – Representative Paul, what would you do to increase the availability of medical facilities for this part of Alaska?

Representative Paul: First I would get rid of the Federal Reserve system than make sure that no military personal would be sent overseas. Then I would get the government out of the health field and let each person be in charge of their own health care.

There only remained the President and I wondered who would ask the final question since only four questionnaires were so designated. This question was soon settled when I saw Big Bear take his position in front of the computer. I thought to myself what a wonderful opportunity this was for a common citizen to be able to ask the President of the United States a question directly. What would he ask?

Big Bear: Mr. President, In your opinion who will win the NCAA tournament this year? (there was s stir in the audience)

The President: Well you know it is sort of hard to tell this year. All the teams have a shot and yes I have my own opinion but am really hesitant to say because I don’t want to influence the out come of the contest. I will say this though. I think it is a shame that we don’t have more NBA players recruited from our Alaskan colleges and that more athletes are not recruited from the lower 48 to play on your fine university teams. Of course you have your own NBA up here, the Native Basket Ball Association, but still I would like to see more kids from places like Illinois and Arizona come up here to get a fine education and see what diversity really is. During my next term I will direct the Department of Education to do what it can to rectify that problem. And who knows in a couple of years Alaska will have its own NCAA tournament birth and I will do what I can to make Anchorage the Final Four destination. And who knows after that perhaps you will receive your own National Basket Ball franchise.

The attendees cheered and clapped.

Big Bear: Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answer these important questions.

With that the computer was turned off.

"It is time to vote." Big Bear said.

Each name was mentioned, hands were raised and counts were made. As I suspected the audience was pretty evenly split among the five with the President receiving two more votes than the others. I guess it was the power of the incumbency.

North in Alaska - 28, St. Patrick

North in Alaska – 28, St Patrick

It occurred to me that this would be the first year that I would not be attending a
St Patrick’s Day party for two reasons.  One, I was the only Irishman around and secondly, Bev and I were the only ones around.  However knowing the wilds of Alaska like I do I knew that “if you have it, they will come.”  So Bev and I started planning the First Annual St Patrick’s Day Parade and Party in this particular region.  I was sure there would be others to come.

I consulted Big Bear as to whom he thought I ought to invite and he told me that was simple, “Just invite everyone.”   Well I told him that would be sort of dangerous because I would have no idea on how much food and things to plan for.  “It doesn’t make any difference,” he said, “No one will come anyway, including myself.”

I was shocked of course and when I asked him why he said it was because it was the Regional Clan Tribal Debate that same day and people in these parts had to get ready for the Regional Tribal Debate the following day.  “In fact,” he continued, “On second thought, if you even invite anyone other than the Fink’s of course it could be considered a great insult for not honoring what has become a sacred day by making your neighbors choose between Party and party.”

Ok, I understood that but vowed to find out more about this Tribal Debate thing, but first things first, a St Patrick party and parade weight for no one other than the beer distributor.

I went over to see the Finks to invite them but they declined my invitation because it was a celebration of a saint and they were sort of “non papist.”  I tried to convince them that religion and St Patrick Day celebrations had nothing to do with one another and for them to look upon it as just a get together between friends.  It was then that Mrs. Fink sort of shocked me and said that even though they respected my position and as a human being, they did not associate socially with our kind of people, Bev and I, I assumed.

“I don’t understand!” I protested.

“No offence, but you are Catholic aren’t you, or if not Catholic you are a Mormon of sorts aren’t you?  She very nice and politely said.

“Well no, not really,” I replied.  “How did you come to that conclusion?”

“Your home is in Independence, Missouri, a hot bed of the Mormon so called religion, a cult really, and they say you wife is of Sicilian extraction thus an Italian of sorts, thus a Catholic.  So you see God tells us to be kind to everyone but not to associate with anyone not of the true faith because they will be bent on converting you to a falsehood and taking you down a sinful path and not the true road of the true religion.

“And what religion would that be I pray?”

“Why the Church of the Pentecostal Rapture of Jesus Christ, of course.”

One thing I learned a long time ago is not to argue religion or preconceived notions held by others.  To deny being a Mormon or a Catholic or attack her beliefs would only add fuel to the fire and make Mrs. Fink think I was a blasphemer or worse.  No let it pass I thought wondering if she knew that Big Bear was a Shaman.  Oh, well it was back to Bev and we would have the best St. Patrick’s Day parade and party this part of Alaska had ever seen.  That would be pretty easy under the historical circumstances.

We started the morning out by having Green biscuits and green tea after dawning green hats Bev had sewn out of dyed green Caribou hide.  To my surprise she produced a violin and started playing an Irish jig while doing a little jig herself.  I had no idea she had that kind of talent.  After getting over the shock I joined her and we jigged are way though several songs.  When I told her I had no idea she had such talent she said that she had been practicing ever since we got here because there was not much to do while I was gone during the day after the chores were complete and she had found the violin in one of the closets.

She then produced a vat of green beer that she had been brewing in one of the out buildings.  I was again marveled and asked her how she managed to do such a thing and she said it was an old Sicilian Recipe and not to be given to anyone outside the family.  I asked her if I was chopped liver or something.  She then demurred, gave me the recipe and everyone was satisfied.  Of course I cannot reveal the contents of said recipe in such a widely read blog.

After consuming several portions of the green brew she again produced her violin and I a drum I had made from walrus skin and bones stood on the front porch at attention and played and beat out Danny Boy.  With a trickle in me eye and heart filled with woe, yes indeed a true Irishman from that hot bed of Irish thinkers and doers, County Jackson along the banks of the wild and wide Missouri River, we walked are little path to the boat dock singing When Irish Eyes are Smiling.  Oh a bonnie little parade it was.

North in Alaska - 27 - Rush to Judgement

One just never knows what one will find up here, see up here, do up here, or be visited by up here. Unless it is a relative we never get visitors on purpose, save Big Bear. When an accident occurs and some one does stop by it is usually by someone who is running away from some transgression. For instance…

Bev and I were enjoying a nice cup of tea and some biscuits from her latest recipe of sourdough and lima beans. Much better than it sounds. She happened to glance out our picture window that looks out over the lake to the mountain across lake, when she noticed a ski-plane landing and then begin taxing up to our humble cabin in the woods.

The plane docked and a man emerged and came towards the house. Bev and I had already gotten up to meet the stranger to welcome him. I did not recognize him but he did seem friendly enough. He was about my height, a little heavier, balding and wore some sort of hearing aid. Like I said he was friendly but there was a sadness about him that Bev and I noticed immediately.

As we sat down for tea and our LBB (short for Lima Bean Biscuits) I asked him what he was doing all the way up here. He said he was getting away from people and was seriously thinking of staying up here permanently so as not to be around those who hate him. "Why would anyone hate you," I asked puzzled. He looked at me with some astonishment and said, "Don’t you know who I am?" "No, not really, should I?" "Why I am Rush Limbaugh," He said while sitting up straight and puffing out his chest. It seemed an involuntary jester that he must have done so many times that one always came with the other.

"Oh, I have heard of you. What are you doing up here I thought you were a successful talk show host some place in the lower 48, didn’t you use to be in Kansas City though, worked for the Royals then a radio station there." He replied in the affirmative to all and then added, "Haven’t you been listening to the news?"

I then began to tell him we had very poor radio reception up here, no TV, and the internet was not to be used for personal use since the school district provided it. He then went on to tell me his tale or woe:

"It was just a silly little comment. I called this lady a slut and prostitute, well not technically, but it could have been construed that way. It was just a slip of the tongue and done in jest. Some left wing wacos picked up on it and started a campaign to smear my integrity and used other quotes I made in jest against me also. Like calling Obama a Nazi, Hillary a shrieking wife, environmentalist nuts, feminist ugly, you know just stuff like that. It always gets a good laugh from my followers the Ditto Heads I call them. Well after the drive by media heard me make the remark about this left leaning crazy woman who testified before a congressional hearing called by the democrats a media frenzy erupted. One sponsor dropped me, a mattress company oddly enough, I guess because using the term slut and prostitute, then another and when I left town early yesterday 33 sponsors have left me and a couple of radio stations had drooped me. I am just sick and tired of the whole thing. I want to get away and spend my millions in comfort away from the maddening crowd."

"Well this is the place to do it. You could blend in real well," I told him. "But I don’t think you would like that would you? I mean being some place where no one would know you name, know what you stood for, and didn’t really care? Would you really like that. No Mr Limbaugh I think you ought to return to the lower 48. Your sponsors will forgive you and there will be others lining up to give you money and put you on more airwaves. This is the best thing that could happen to you other than democrats getting elected year after year. Those who love you before your slap at women will love you afterwards. After all they have forgiven you your drug use and four wives, this will all pass."

"Well perhaps you are right, perhaps I will go back and let all this pass. By gosh I will." And with that he got up from the table shook my hand bowed to Bev, who had been fondling her hunting knife she kept in her boot and went off to his airplane.

"You know it will be all your fault don’t you. You have turned the monster loose again." Bev chided.

"Well," I said, "That is one way to look at it. The more he talks the more foolish he sounds to those with half a brain."

"There in lays the problem," Bev said.