Charges were dropped against Jim Francis and J.C. Mack last Tuesday by Municipal Court Judge Homer Simms. A spokesman for Judge Simms said that as always the Judge would have no statement as to the charges in question. However, the spokesman continued, some times charges are dropped when it is not clear what one has been charged with.
It is no secret that Jim and J.C. were taken into custody after engaging in a brawl across the street from Jim's house and just three doors down from J.C.'s. Witnesses said that when lead off by authorities both men kept telling Deputy Sheriff Wilson that he did not understand. Deputy Sheriff Wilson only responded for them to shut up and get in the car.
The question remains as to why these two friends and brother-in-laws were engaged in fighting. That is the question for the neighborhood around Lake Drive and Crisp Lake but not to this reporter. As always when there is a travesty of justice, a miscarriage of decency, or just plane interesting gossip, the CLC community can count on us being there and uncover the truth, the whole truth, and mostly resembling the truth so help us Colonel Crisp, CSA. This is what really happened between Jim and J.C.
Jim Francis liked most of all two things. One was his hunting dog Killer and the other was playing tricks on J.C. Mack. J.C. Mack liked two things. One was scrounging around the back entrances of retail stores up in Fairmount and collecting things thrown out and the other was playing tricks on Jim Francis.
Now the two men were brother-in-laws by marriage. Their wives were sisters and the sisters did not want to live very far away from each other so only three house separated them on Lake Drive on the lake bank side of Crisp Lake.
The tricks or practical jokes were legendary around the neighborhood. It had been three weeks since "some one" had wrapped Limburger Cheese around J.C.'s car manifold and that some one of course being Jim was waiting for the return shot. It was taking a little bit longer than normal for J.C. to respond but respond he would, but when and where and how was getting to be a little unsettling for Jim.
One evening J.C. was scrounging around the back alley of the TG&Y up in Fairmount and he came across a female manikin. It was in two parts, the bottom and the top. J.C. thought that that might look funny in the lake stuck in the mud. The top part sticking up waving its hand and next to her the bottom half with its legs stuck up in the air. While loading the two parts into his car he notice an old hair piece that must at one time have belonged to the the manikin. He took it for good measure. On his way home a seed of an idea started to grow. It took growth fertilized by the odor of Lindbergh Cheese. It grew until it was ready for harvest.
J.C. knew Jim took his dog, Killer, down to the junk yard along the Missouri River next to Sugar Creek every Friday night. There Killer would chase anything that would run and catch anything that didn't run fast enough. Jim told everyone it was a way that Killer could keep his instinct's in check and not run wild in the neighborhood. No one ever really believed Jim however because Killer didn't seem at all like the killing kind of a dog. Dachshunds don't usually strike fear into the hearts of man or beast. Jim's wife Eve never went with Jim but this Friday she was going because her sister three house down was going to a meeting of the Woman's Auxiliary of the Crisp Lake Association. Eve had not joined yet and there for not invited. Her sister Marie urged her to join that Friday because Mrs Midget was going to bring some homemade Romanian Calzones. But Eve declined none the less because she wanted to see what Jim and Killer did every Friday anyway.
Before going to Jim's place J.C. stopped by Mrs Midgets place to see what she was serving for the Woman's Auxiliary meeting. He picked up a couple of Calzones and headed up the street and parked a little further down the street just in front of Jim and Eve's place. There were no street lights so no one saw him carry the manikin inside the house. He placed the top part of the manikin in Jim and Eve's bed with only the head protruding. He then smeared some of the Calzone on top of the plastic head and put the wig over that. Under the bed he slipped the bottom torso so as only to expose the legs protruding from the bed. J.C. then moved his car back to his own driveway and headed walking, back to Jim's place with a folding chair and Calzone tucked securely under his arms. He put the folding chair behind a bush across the street form Jim's place, sat down, unwrapped his Rumanian Calzone, ate slowly and waited.
About half way through his Calzone Jim, Eve and Killer pulled up. Killer dashed out of the car and ran inside with Eve following close behind. Jim was getting out of the driver side of the car and rounding the rear end when he heard Killer graul and Eve scream. As Jim dashed up the front porch steps he first saw Killer come running out of the house with what looked like hair in his mouth and in a dead run was heading up the street. As he was trying to fathom what was going on Eve ran out of the house with a shawl over her head screaming and running down the street in the opposite direction of Killer. Jim was very confused. His first instinct was to run after Eve but she was heading in the direction of her sisters so he knew that she would be safe and given proper medical attention because he had begun to think that Killer had finally shown his true nature and pulled Eve's hair off to punish her for intruding on his time with his Master. So Jim not wanting to see Killer attack anyone else in a frenzy, went off to see if he could chase down Killer.
Killer finally stopped running about 5 houses up the street but every time Jim would come close Killer would run one direction then another, always carrying the head of hair that was really the wig of course. All of a sudden Killer stopped. He looked around, cocked his head and made a beeline towards the bush J.C. was hiding behind enjoying the whole show along with a number of neighbors who had congregated out side when they heard Eve screaming and Jim yelling at Killer. Killer jumped on the back of J.C. not to harm J.C. but to get the rest of the Calzone J.C. was eating. Apparently Killer had smelled the Calzone under the wig of the manikin and tried to eat it, not realizing that the wig was only tainted with Calzone odor. Having a good nose like all Dachshunds he finally smelled J.C.'s Calzone and went for it.
J.C. fell out of his chair and wrestled around with Killer, Jim saw J.C. and Killer wrestling around so Jim joined in the fray to try and separate the two. There were elbows and legs and tails thrashing about when finally Keller was successful in snagging the Calzone away from J.C. and he and Jim could only watch in breathless irritation as Keller went off with the hair/wig and J.C.'s Calzone.
As luck would have it Deputy Sheriff Wilson came driving down the road at the same time and wondered why all the neighbors were outside surrounding a bush. He stopped the car and saw that Jim and J.C. were laying over one another breathless. Jim said something about his wife being scalped and J.C. said that his Calzone had got eaten, Eve had ventured back and yelled that there was a body in the house.
Deputy Sheriff Wilson was a little confused so he called for back up so the situation could be sorted out. Well it was sorted out but Deputy Sheriff Wilson thought that there must be something to charge Jim and J.C. with. Judge Homer Simms thought that Deputy Sheriff Wilson was right but unfortunately Judge Simms told the Deputy "it ain't a crime to be stupid."
Jim and J.C. remain friends and have promised their respective wives and Judge Simms that their practical joke days are over. We shall see, April 1st is just right around the corner. I, your roving undercover reporter will keep you posted. Foot note: If any one comes across a Daschound answering to the name of Killer a $10 reward has been offered.
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