North to Alaska -one more time

Alaska

North to Alaska

Friday  May 20.

Left MCI in the late afternoon.  Stopped over in Denver to change planes and took a direct 5 hour flight to Anchorage.  Arrived Anchorage at 10:00 pm, Anchorage time.

Took a cab to Ft. Richardson, checked into guest housing.

Saturday  May 21.

Rose early to eat in the consolidated mess hall or what they now call the Dining Facility. It was closed.  Asked at the desk where we could get something to eat and they said nothing was open until 8:30.  We called a cab to take us to the adjoining air force base, Elmendorf to catch their Dinning Facility that was supposed to be open.  The cab driver was confused on how to get there so I just told him to take us to The Captain Cook.  The Captain Cook is the premier hotel in Anchorage.  We ate breakfast and I was able to eat my first reindeer sausage in two years.

 

We started walking up and down the streets of Anchorage stopping in every souvenir shop along the way.  We ended up at a Tourist facility that provided us with a shuttle to the Alaskan Native Culture Center.  Took a two hour tour of the place.  We returned to Anchorage and sought out the one eating establishment I wanted to have lunch at, a place called Humpy’s.  We ate a Halibut sandwich.

Walked down to the farmer’s market that was held every first weekend and walked around.  Went to the Ulu Factory where Jerry bought an Ulu Knife.  Drank a beer at a local brew house.  Walked around the shops again.  Stopped by an Earthquake exhibit and watched a film about the 1964 Good Friday earthquake...  Went back to Ft. Richardson by cab.  Went to a movie, bought some hotdogs for half price that were left over and took them back to our room.  Went to sleep.

Sunday  May 22

Had coffee at a Starbucks on Ft. Richardson.  Took a cab and met the Gilliam’s and Marta Cobb for lunch at a place called Guinneys.  They were people I use to teach with at Hooper Bay.  Marta took us on a car tour of Anchorage.  Ate a pizza at the Mosses Tooth and then Marta took us back to the post.

 

Monday  May 23

Checked out of our unit and took a cab to the car rental place.  Headed towards Seward on the only highway to the Kenai along Turnagain Arm.  Stopped along the high way once at Beluga Point and Bird Point to take some pictures.  Arrived in Seward and checked into the Department of Defense run vacation lodge.  Ate dinner that night in a restaurant over looking the harbor.  We walked around Exit Glacier for an hour or so and spotted a black bear high up on a hill.

 

Tuesday  May 24

Ate breakfast in a dinner converted from an old trolley car.  Caught our boat for the Resurrection Bay tour.  Stopped on Fox Island for lunch consisting of Salmon and Prime Rib.  While on the boat we saw a few whales, otters, mountain goats, sea lions, dolphins, Puffin and all sorts of other birds. 

We drove around Seward, had a glass of wine in a joint and then ate in an Italian-Greek Restaurant. 

 

Wednesday  May 25

Started on our way back to Anchorage but stopped off at Girdwood and drove around town.  Also went into see a very up scale lodge called the Alyeska.  Continued on back to Anchorage and Ft. Richardson where we were able to get a room again.

Thursday  May 26

Drove north toward Denali National Park.  Stopped by a fellow I had met on facebook named Mac McAnally at Willow.  Mac his fiancé, mother and father made us breakfast.  We had a nice visit.  He gave us some smoked Hooligan, which I tried but did not like.  Mac also kept a .45 on the table to take with him went he went out side in case he ran across any bears.  He was building a cabin along a river and the place was kind of remote.

We continued on to Talkeetna walked around town.  Saw Mt McKinley and headed back towards Anchorage.

 

Friday  May 27

Drove town to Girdwood again but stopped by a BBQ place over looking Turnagain Arm and drank a couple of beers.  Ate dinner at a place called the Musky Ox.

 

Saturday  May 28

Went to the Anchorage Museum and a movie that night on the post.

Sunday  May 29

Drove to Palmer and Wasilla and saw part of Pailins house.  Took Marta to dinner that night.  Walked around Cook Inlet near down town Anchorage.  Went to Flat Top where you cold see all of Cook Inlet, Turnagain Arm, and Anchorage.  Also went to the Anchorage Zoo and saw all the animals indigenousness to Alaska.

Monday  May 30

Drove around town, had a deer hotdog from a street vendor, bought a couple of things, headed towards the airport, turned in the car, hung around the military lounge until our flight left late that night.

The County, Chapter 2, part 1 of 2

                                                                    Chapter 2

                                                       The Doodenville Men's Club 

                                                                   (part 1 of 2)

P.T. Sanders

Editor, Atlantic Monthly

Dear Mr. Storebeck,

We enjoyed reading your story about the men’s club you have there in Doodenville, however at the present time it does not fit our editorial needs.

Thank you for your interest in the Atlantic Monthly and feel free to send other submissions.  We will file this story and others you might submit in our Pull Pending Historical File and if perhaps someday, we will publish them.  We will contact you by letter, however, prior to publication.

Yours Truly,

P.T. Sanders

Final Draft of “The Doodenville Men’s Club” as submitted:

They don’t talk about who has the best dog in town anymore.  No sir, not since last December.

It was the middle of December and cold, gosh it was cold, and snow, I mean you couldn’t see from the window of Jessie Miller’s General Store to the street side of the wooden planks that make up our sidewalks here in Doodenville.  Everybody’s always said that it was the worse snow storm ever to have hit these parts.

Even though it was plumb miserable out, we all showed up about the same time we always showed up at Jessie’s place.  We had what you might consider a men’s club.  We didn’t call it that, but every Saturday about sundown, or perhaps a little later, Steve Branson, Digger Johnson, Judge Johns and myself would get together and play checkers, tell stories, and more or less just brag to one another - which some might say was stretching the truth.

This one December evening, the bragging turned to our dogs.  No man in Doodenville went anywhere without his dog.  A man is judged somewhat on what kind of dog he has and how he treats it and it him.  Now everyone cannot see how one is treating his dog all the time nor he him so we felt like it was out duty that night to tell one another.  That is where the others always get into trouble because they exaggerate a mite and this night they exaggerated a lot.  Not me, of course.

The checkers match had gotten over and we began to sip a little of the stuff behind the counter that Jessie kept for snake bite.  Jessie was always there but he seldom joined in because he was too busy keeping track of how much we were sipping and eating from the cracker barrel.  Anyway, we were doing what we always did when Steve Branson popped up and said during a lull in the conversation, “Now we have been talking about our dogs for nigh onto three hours and Lord knows how many nights we have been doing the same.  Let’s settle who has the best dog once and for all”.

Everybody seemed to think it was a pretty good idea because each man thought he had the best dog and would win any type of such a contest.  We all thought a little and tried to come up with some sort of criteria that could determine who had the best dog.

Steven Branson suggested that we could have them run a race but that idea was scuttled because there was too much snow on the ground and too cold.  “And besides,” Digger Johnson said, “being fast don’t mean nothing anyway”.

He was right, of course.  We all knew that Crazy Jimmy Twofoot’s oldest boy, Jimmy J., was the fastest thing on two legs in three counties and the boy couldn’t find his way to the outhouse without someone helping him.  At least that is what Crazy Jimmy always said.

Then Steve came up with another idea (he was always coming up with ideas, being an engineer and all.)  He suggested that we have the dogs bark real loud and whose ever dog barked the longest and loudest would be declared the winner. (I didn’t say all his ideas were good, though.)

That idea was ignored because everyone knew that Jessie’s wife was sick with the virus and noise would wake her and cause some discomfort.  Steve must have gotten the point also because he snapped his fingers like something had just occurred to him and mumbled, “oh, yeah!” and sat back down.  It seemed as though in all the years that I had known Steve he was always snapping is finger about something.

We all sat around the stove and thought some more.  Then Judge Johns cleared his throat.  Now when a man clears his throat, those in hearing distance don’t pay much attention, but when Judge Johns cleared his throat you knew he had something important to say.  He was also real smart so naturally we all started paying close attention.

“It seems to me,” he began, “that we want to find out which one of us has the smartest dog.  The smartest dog, gents, not the fastest nor the loudest, but the smartest.  Intelligence, friends, is the true test of greatness”.  Judge Johns could always be counted on to get right to the heart of the matter.  “So it seems to me,” he continued after grasping his lapels and clearing his throat again, “that each dog ought to be judged on his reaction to a single command and whose dog reacts in the most intelligent manner will be considered the best dog in Doodenville”.

We all thought about that for a while and by and by it seemed fair enough.  But then Digger said, “You know each man here might think that his dog done the best no matter what the other three dogs did.  If that happened, we would all be in a stalemate and be right back where we were.”

That sounded kind of correct.  We knew we were all men of integrity, but we also knew each other and understood how sometimes a man’s judgment could get clouded in important matter like this one.

“Well,” Judge Johns said after he cleared his throat, “it seems to me we need an unbiased judge”.  You know, to this day, I get plumb amazed on how the Judge could always grasp things and have a solution so quickly.

The natural judge, of course, was Jessie.  I say ‘of course’ because Jessie didn’t have a dog.  At least not since last spring when Old Clem Thurman’s horses kicked Jessie’s dog Cracker in the head.

Jessie agreed to act as the judge and took charge right away.  “Since there are four of you,” while grasping his suspenders, “one of you will have to go first and one will have to go last, and two of you will have to go in the middle, one ahead of the other”.

I sat there and blinked because he had lost me at first.  I did not think that was possible because we always thought Jessie was a mite slow.  He continued: “So it seems to me we ought to go by age, starting with the youngest man.  I will give you all five minutes to decide what you want your dogs to do”.  He fixed his one good eye on the clock that hung over the Buster Brown sign that hung behind the counter.

After about three minutes and seventeen seconds I could tell everyone was done figuring what their dog was going to do.  Steve snapped his fingers and smiled, Digger slapped his knee with both hands, and Judge Johns clutched his lapels and got that paternal courtroom smile on his face.  Next to clearing his throat he was famous for that.  I had known right off what I was going to do.  “Times up! You first, Branson, you are the youngest.”

....to be continued

North to Alaska (again)

We flew into Anchorage and spent the first two days there before renting a car and heading out to the countryside.  One of the perqs of being retired officers is we were able to stay in “Distinguished Visitor Lodging” at Fort Richardson in Anchorage and later on at the Seward Military Resort down south.  We had to pay, of course, but at a much lower rate than at commercial establishments.  At Richardson, we even ate in the Army mess halls.  Been a long . since I got to do that.

In Anchorage, we met up with some of Snapper’s old friends from when they were out teaching in the bush a few years ago and went up to Flattop Mountain which overlooks Anchorage and the Cook Inlet.  Great views of the city and the Sleeping Lady Mountains across the inlet.  We went out to the Alaska Native Heritage Center and Museum, then just walked around downtown and did all the other things tourists do

.

The trip really started when we got our car and started south to Seward along the Turnagain Arm of Cook Inlet.  The story goes that when Captain Cook on the HMS Resolution was searching for the Northwest Passage in 1778, he sent his sailing master, Captain Bligh, later of the HMS Bounty, to explore the arm, thinking it was the passage.  Bligh sailed in and finally realized it wasn’t what Cook thought and had to give the order to turn around.  He sarcastically named it “Turnagain Arm” and it has stuck.  The highway runs along the Arm for quite a distance on the Kenai Peninsula before reaching  Seward. The mountains along the way are steep, the water is deep, and people are non-existent.  I hadn’t seen tides rolling in and out before, so that was neat.  Along the road, right on the water, we saw a BBQ place with the name “Turnagain Arm Pit”, so naturally we had to stop there.  Turned out, the owner was from SE Missouri.  Didn’t see another BBQ restaurant in any place we went.  Just outside of Seward, we drove up to Kenai Fjords National Park and hiked up to Exit Glacier, the end of the immense Harding Icefield.  Saw a bear, but he didn’t see us.  Saw moose droppings along the trail, but no moose.

Seward sits at the head of Resurrection Bay, a fjord on the Gulf of Alaska, and is one of the chief ports in Alaska.  Nearly every non-seafood item is shipped in to the state and comes through Seward.  Even as important as it is, the port is a shell of its former self as it was ruined by the 1964 earthquake.  I remember when that happened - it was my first day at basic training. 


We took a day trip on a small boat down the bay to Fox Island in the gulf where we had lunch at a resort and then back to Seward.  Along the way, we saw a lot of marine life and some pretty spectacular scenery.  I understand that the bay was so named after a Russian ship was caught in a storm in the Gulf of Alaska and retreated into the bay for protection, emerging into the peaceful waters on Easter Sunday.  Resurrection Bay was also where the opening scene of The Hunt for Red October was filmed.  If we had continued to sail due south from Fox Island, the next dry land we would have seen would be the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica.  

We headed north toward Denali National Park and Mount McKinley.  Along the way, we stopped in Willow where Snapper’s cousin and family lives.  I’m not sure Willow is an actual place, because we drove offroad, across creeks, through the woods, out of cell phone range, with only vague directions before finding his cabin right on the Willow River.  His family was expecting us and fixed us a big breakfast, ending with some small smoked fish of some sort he had caught and smoked the day before.  They convinced Snapper to try it, but not me.  They said eat it, bones and all.  Snapper took one bite and gave it up.  Pretty wild country and we noticed he had a loaded .45 pistol lying on the table and he doesn’t go outside without it.  Even in Anchorage, Snapper’s teaching friend said moose keep coming into her yard and eating her tulips.

From Willow, we drove to Talkeetna, a tiny village serving as the jumping off place for climbing expeditions of Denali.  At 20,320 feet high, Denali is the highest peak in North America and when measured from base to peak, taller than Mount Everest.  The weather was clear the entire time, so we had good views of Denali.  Quite a nice sight.

On the way back, we stopped in Wasilla and located Sarah Palin’s house.  Kind of isolated on Lake Lucille, but we went out on the dock, leaned out as far as we could, looked through the trees, and got a picture of her house.  Getting bolder, we found a back gravel road with No Trespassing signs and drove right to her back yard, but a high fence kept us from seeing much.  She wasn’t home anyway, being on her bus in New Hampshire.

Back in Anchorage, we spent some time at the Alaska Zoo and drove around Lake Hood, the world’s largest seaplane base, before driving down to Girdwood, an alpine-style community where the Beautiful People ski at the Alyeska Resort.  There, we ate at a must-stop restaurant called the Double Musky Inn, once owned, I think, by the late Sen. Ted Stevens.

It was a great trip and the weather was perfect - clear, warm, no rain.  The marine and wildlife were in abundance, lodging was cheap, food and gasoline expensive.  Seafood, I’m told, was excellent.  I stuck with beef.  Or was it moose?  It was bright as noon at 11:30 p.m. and not real dark until about 2:00 a.m.  Daybreak was about 4:30 a.m., so we never saw any dark sky, let alone the Northern Lights.  Glad I got to go and it was clearly a Bucket List trip. 

Enjoyed it greatly, Snapper.

Jerry Sonderegger

Chapter 1, part 2 of 2 - Barn Burner

continued........

Judge:  You then tried to put out the fire with apparently no success?

Ezra:  No, this time we did do what came naturally, we ran.

Judge: Then?

Ezra:  Well, after we reached Crisp Water Landing, Samuel got this strange kind of smile on his face and started laughing like J.T. Williams did right before they hauled him off to that place up north.

Judge:  Yes, sad, that was very sad, then?

Ezra:  He laughed for a while, then he cried for awhile.  Then he noticed the jugs Zeak and I had left behind when we went off chasing Samuel.  He grabbed them in his arms started running toward the burning barn and threw the jugs into the flames and all the time shouting “demon rum, demon rum!”

Judge:  That is strange, real strange.

Ezra:  It sure was, Judge, we were not even drinking rum.

Judge:  Hmm, do you concur with Ezra, Zeak?

Zeak:  Do I what?

Judge:  Concur, did Ezra tell the truth?

Zeak:  (inaudible reply – cr)

Judge:  I didn’t hear you Zeak, what?

Zeak:  Yes, yes!

Judge:  Okay, okay, Zeak, no need to yell.  Samuel, what do you have to say for yourself?

Samuel:  Not much, nothing really.  Gee, your honor, I don’t remember nothing except waking up on the river bank with the Sheriff standing over me.

Judge:  River bank?

Ezra:  Yeah, I mean, yes, Judge.  After Samuel yelled demon rum a few times, he ran back to the river bank and passed out.

Judge:  Samuel, I under stand from Homer, the city jailer, that you spend a lot of time there.

Samuel:  Well, yes, I do your honor, it is sort of like home.

Judge:  Well, I’m going to see to it you become a real homebody.  You are a disgrace to every drinking man in the county.  I know you have had problems in the past, but so has everyone else.  Every man is, or a least should be made to be responsible for his actions.  This is not the first time you have been in this courtroom because of something you did while under the influence.  I am going to make a example of you, Mr. Horn (clearing throat- cr) I sentence you to ….

Zeak:  No!

Judge:  No? No, what.

Ezra:  Shut up, you fool.

Judge:  What?!

Ezra:  Not you, Judge, I mean the other fool!

Judge:  What?  Hey, Ezra, get you hands off Zeak’s throat!

Bailiff:  Hey, you guys break it up, Sheriff help me.

Ezra:  I’m gona kill you!

Zeak:  (making choking sound – cr)

Bailiff:  Judge, grab his feet, Sheriff get one arm there, I got his neck.

Judge:  Look out! (crash – cr) There, now get a rope.  Sheriff, tie this man up.  There now, order in the court.  What in blue blazes is this all about Thurman.  Wait until I get behind the bench, Okay, now go ahead, what is this all about?

Ezra:  You dirty, rotten feather headed skunk, I’ll kill you.

Judge:  Sheriff, gag that man.

Zeak:  (in a shaky voice –cr)  Brown is a no good deceiving liar.  He don’t know how to tell the truth.  I was going along but I just couldn’t let another man pay for what another done.

Judge:  Well then, why don’t you tell me what happened.

Zeak:  Ezra’s right about Samuel getting drunk.  But he didn’t burn no barn.  Ezra done it.  After Samuel passed out, Ezra and I kept drinking and, of course, talking.  The more we drank, the drunker we got and the more we talked about things that we probably wouldn’t have talked about.  I asked Ezra about the horse he bought from Branson (farmer –cr) and Ezra went into a rage.  He said that the horse was a no good plug and he had been cheated  And to top things off the horse had died and so on and so on.  He really got madder and madder.  The madder he got, the more he drank, and the more he drank, the drunker he got and the drunker he got, the more he talked and the more he talked and the more he talked the madder he got and the madder he got…

Judge:  Yes, yes, I think I get the picture.

Ezra:  Well, then, he goes to feeling sorry for himself.  I tried to tell him that Branson wouldn’t cheat nobody on purpose, but he was way beyond listening to reason.  He said it were folks like Branson that had made his life bad.  He said everyone in the county has always been against him because he did not have a father anyone ever knew about.  He said he was the only one in the county that people whispered about because of a situation like that. Then he drank some more and the more he drank the sorrier he felt for himself and the sorrier he felt for himself the madder he got at Branson.  Then all of a sudden, Ezra said with a strange look on his face that he was going to show everybody and do the most terrible think imaginable to Branson.  I told him to do what he wanted, I didn’t care.  You see, I thought Ezra was just talking.  I do remember telling him though not to burn Branson’s barn, that would be inhuman.  No man burns another man’s barn, not for whatever reason.

Judge:  But he did burn the barn anyway, right?

Zeak:  Yes, and it was all my fault, He said he hadn’t thought of that and besides he made me give him my matches.

Judge:  Did you help him?

Zeak:  No.

Judge:  Did you try to stop him?

Zeak:  I told him it would be inhuman.

Judge:  But did you try to physically try to stop him?

Zeak:  No, I just sat on the river bank next to Samuel.

Judge:  So, I take it that Ezra, after burning the bar returns to where you were waiting and then did what?

Zeak:  Nothing at first.  He just stared at the river for a long time and then at Samuel there passed out and all.  Then he turned to me and said how I should have tried to help him stop Samuel from burning down the barn.  He told me not to worry none though, because he would tell how I had helped him even though I hadn’t, stopped Samuel, that is.

Judge:  Now wait. Are you saying that Ezra burnt the barn, then decided to make it look like poor old drunk Samuel did it and tried to blackmail you into saying Samuel did it?  Why did you go along with the story?

Zeak:  Yes, I was afraid you would believe Ezra and not me, and I was sort of scared of Ezra, he can be violent you know.

Judge:  Take the gag off Ezra, Sheriff.  Let’s see what he has to say.

Ezra:  Pig, liar!  Blast you all!  Okay, I did it .  Branson deserved it, the whole county deserved it, I’ll burn the whole county down.  I ….

Judge:  Order, order in the court!

Ezra:  (obscenity – cr)  I’ll burn the whole court down.  You (obscenity – cr) have been against me all my life.  All my life, even since my dear ole mother had me and never said who my Papa was, and didn’t leave town.  Wouldn’t go to one of those places.  You, you, and you are to blame.  I’ll kill my pop when I find out, it might have been you, or you, or you.  I’ll start with killing Zeak.  (Noise, lunging, kicking screaming – cr)

Judge:  Order, I demand order!  Gag him again. Tie him up.  There, good, finally.  This court will be conducted with dignity.  Zeak stop that crying.  I can’t conduct a trial in this atmosphere.  Court is recessed for fifteen minutes.

Fifteen Minutes later.

Bailiff:  All rise, Court is now in session again.

Judge:  Alright, be seated.  Bailiff, are the three defendants ready for sentencing?

Bailiff:  They are your honor.

Judge:  Samuel, you go home and I never want to see you back in this courtroom under any condition that might resemble the using of alcohol.  Zeak, you get yourself over to Steven Branson’s house, the farmer, help him rebuild his barn and anything else he needs help with for one month.   Now, for you Ezra,  no matter how a person’s past has been, or no matter how many hardships he has endured, each and everyone must be responsible for his own actions.  No amount of blame and no amount of accusing can take away the God given right of each of us to behave in a manner that is acceptable in a polite and civilized society.  You have proven to this court, more than once, I might add, that you are deceitful, cannot be trusted, and a liar.  It is my duty to remove you from our society in this beloved county for once and for all.  I hereby sentence you to one year in the Doodenville City Jail and after release I think it would be to everyone’s benefit for you to leave this county once and for all.  It is hoped that by paying your debt to society and embarking on a new life, you may find it within you to start anew.  Sheriff, escort this… barn burner … to the City Jail.  Court dismissed.

Bailiff:  All rise.

                                    Officially Submitted,   C.W. Flowers, Court Reporter (cr)

Chapter I, part 1 of 2, Barn Burner

Continued ........

(Cover Letter)

To: Dr. J. Simpson

From:   C. Stone McAnally

Subject:           Final Report on Village Dig 639

The attached report is based on interviews, original documentation, and prime source material.  Some of the information helps validate field finds and interpretations of site research.  I have used a rural narrative form and not the academic MLS format so as not to lose the flavor of the period.

_____________________________

Chapter I

Barn Burner

The County Caller - The Newspaper of County News

Editor, Publisher, Reporter – C.W. Flowers

Barn Burners Arrested

Doodenville – Yesterday, three men were taken into custody by the sheriff for setting fire to Steve Branson’s barn.  Steve Branson, the farmer who owns the barn (or what is left of it) should not be confused with Steve Branson the County Engineer.  They are second cousins, however.

Ezra Brown, Samuel Horn, and Zeak Thurman were arrested for allegedly setting fire to the barn after Mr. Branson, the Engineer, said he saw all three men drinking and acting peculiar near his second cousin’s place next to Lake River.

According to Sheriff Lenzi, all three men have refused comment, but Ezra Brown told this reporter that he is innocent and will tell all he knows at the court trial which is scheduled next week here in Doodenville.

The three men are being held in the Doodenville City Jail without bond because they don’t have any money anyway.  Steve Branson (farmer) told this reporter earlier today, “I hope the boys didn’t do it.  I’ve known them all their lives.  I’d hate to think they’d treat me like this.  Why, I've even had business dealings with Ezra”.

As usual soft drinks and candied apples will be provided prior to the trial.

Official Court Transcript

Bailiff:   All rise.  Here ye, hear ye, hear ye. This court is now in session.  The Honorable James Johns presiding.

Judge:  Take your seats.  Bailiff, the docket, please.

Bailiff:  The County versus Ezra Brown, Samuel Horn, and Zeak Thurman.

Judge:  Read the charges, Bailiff.

Bailiff:  On July 21 of this year, ones Ezra Brown, Samuel Horn and Zeak Thurman maliciously and willfully set fire to Steve Branson’s barn.

Judge:  For the record, which Steve Branson?

Bailiff:  The farmer, your honor, not the engineer, but they are…

Judge:  Yes, yes, I know, they are second cousins.

Bailiff:  For the record, sir.

Judge:  Yes, for the record.  Do you boys have anything to say for yourselves?

Defendants:  Yes, yes, yes. (Order of response unknown-cr)

Judge:  Are you boys represented by counsel?

Ezra:  By what?

Judge:  By counsel, a lawyer.  Do you have a lawyer to plead you case”.

Defendants:  No! (In unison – cr)

Judge:  Do you want one?

Samuel:  Judge, we decided that we would have Ezra here speak for us.

Judge:  Well, this is mighty unusual.  I assume it is all right with you, Samuel, how about you, Zeak?  Zeak?

Zeak:  I…I guess so.

(noise in the back of the court room – cr)

Judge:  What in tarnation?  What’s going on back there?  Order in the court!

Crazy Jimmy:  It’s just me, your honor.  I dropped my tray of carmeled apples.

Judge:  Sheriff, get him out of here along with his carmeled apples.  I won’t stand for these disruptions.  This court will be conducted with dignity, even if I have to come out there and whip somebody.  Now how do you boys plead?  Guilty or not guilty?

Ezra:  We don’t know, Judge.

Judge: What do you mean you don’t know?  You know if you did it or not.  If you did, you are guilty and if you didn’t you are not guilty.  Guilty or not guilty, what is your plea?

Ezra:  Yes, I mean, we know if we did or didn’t, but we don’t know if we are or aren’t.  We don’t know nothing about the … , I guess you could say, the law.  Can we, or me, I guess, just tell you what happened and then let you decide if we did, or didn’t, or are or aren’t?  We know you are a fair and honest man.

Judge:  Uh, well yes, why yes, most certainly.  This is a little irregular, but yes, yes, my boy go ahead, now take you time, just relax.

Ezra:  Well, Judge, we was just doing a little drinking down around Lake River near Crisp Water Landing.  As usual, Samuel Horn here got all drunkard up but instead of passing out or running along over to the Doodenville City Jail, he started dancing and whooping it up just like Crazy Jimmy does every so often.

Judge:  Is what Ezra says the truth, Samuel?

Samuel:  I reckon.

Judge: What do you mean, you reckon?  Did you or did you not behave in a manner consistent with the testimony so far presented by Mr. Brown?

Samuel:  I reckon I understand what you just said and I reckon I did what Ezra says I did but I was drunk and don’t remember.

Judge:  Has Ezra related the story correctly so far, Zeak?

Zeak:  I …I guess.

Judge: I guess?

Zeak:  I mean, yes, that is what happened.

Judge:  Well, then let’s see if I have this correct up to now.  Samuel is acting crazy because of the alcohol, then what?

Ezra:  Well, he, Samuel, starts running for Steve Branson’s place and…

Judge:  Excuse me for a moment, Ezra.  Mr. Flowers, for the record have the court report indicate that this is Steve Branson, the farmer, not the engineer.  Excuse me again, Ezra, you may continue.

Ezra:  They are second cousins you know, Judge.

Judge:  Yes, yes, I know, now get on with it, Ezra.

Ezra:  Well, like I was saying, Samuel goes running towards Branson’s place, his barn to be exact, and he runs inside the barn and closes the door.  He must have locked it because Zeak and I keep yelling for Samuel to come out but it didn’t do no good.  It is then we noticed smoke coming out from under the door.  Well, we did what does not come naturally when there is a fire type situation.  Instead of running in a panic, we stood our ground.  We yelled and kept hollering and trying to break down the door to rescue poor Samuel, and of course, put out the fire.

Judge:  Well, you must have succeeded in rescuing Samuel.  He’s here.

Ezra:  Well, not really, I mean Samuel just opened the door and walked out.

Judge:  You then tried to put out the fire with apparently no success?

....to be continued.