Crisp Lake Chronicles, Vol 4

Crisp Lake Chronicle,  1952

The Crisp Lake Association Board of Directors has announced that they have accepted the application for full membership by one Mr. Aldo Midget.  In a statement released by the president of the Association, Mr. Fenious T. Butler, stated that, “ The acceptance of Mr. Midget and family broadens the base of our Association and proves that we of the Crisp Lake community harbor no ill will towards those who some would say are different and lack conformity with the general populace.  We are proud to say that diversity in our community runs supreme.”

The Crisp Lake Chronicle has obtained documentation, however, that proves that

Mr. Midget’s induction in the Association was less than smooth and was based more on financial considerations than openness to those who are less than perfect in the eyes of the community.  This is what really happened.

The old Baker house had been for sale for several months and given the outlandish price asked for the dwelling the neighbors thought the house would never sell.  So it was met with surprise and relief when the real estate agent removed the for sale sign one Sunday afternoon and a moving van pulled up in the drive way.

The next morning a small contingent of the Crisp Lake Women’s Auxiliary knocked on the door to welcome the new neighbors, bringing pies, cakes, and other eatables as is customary when new people move into the neighborhood.

The ladies were shocked when the door was answered by a 3’ 5” midget.  The women had been raised properly so they did not show their surprise but did immediately leave their goodies after mumbling and stuttering about how nice to have the Midget family as neighbors and declined an invitation by Mrs. Midget to come in and share the treats. The women returned to their homes and started calling one another on the phone and later held an emergency meeting of the Auxiliary.

When the men arrived home that evening they too called an emergency meeting of the association board.  It was decided in a closed door meeting that although they realized that we lived in America and anyone could buy a house anywhere they wanted, unless of course they were Negroes, Polish, Hungarian, Gypsies, those speaking with questionable accents, communists, or Italians.  There had never been an instance when midgets were denied access to the community with all the rights and privileges pertaining there too, but as it was pointed out my President Butler, none had ever applied.  They did not want a neighborhood of former cast member from the Wizard of Oz it was said, which was bound to happen because, “Once you let one in, others are sure to follow.”  A precedent had to be established.

It was also decided that being Americans there was nothing to say that anyone had to talk to anyone or associate with anyone if anyone did not want to.  It was further decided that the Midget family would be treated politely in public but no one would associate with them in public.  It was felt that by isolating the family they would soon move on their own. 

A month of isolation went by and it was felt by the normal community that their plan was working.  So it was with great surprise and consternation when at the regular monthly meeting Mr. Midget showed up with an application for membership in the Crisp Lake Association and all the accruements that it pertained. Mr. Midget was ignored for most of the meeting but efforts were made to find him a chair at the back of the room that was small enough so that his feet could touch the floor when he sat down. 

The last order of business was New Membership.  A silence fell over the assembly when Mr. Midget raised his hand and asked if he could address the meeting.  After an awkward silence Mr. Butler gave an inaudible assent and Mr. Midget began reading from a prepared statement only deviating from the text now and then.

“Gentleman.  Thank you for allowing me to address this august body.  Before

 you vote on my membership I think it only proper that you know a little, no pun intended of course, about your new neighbor and hopefully newest member of the association.

“I was born in Australia but was raised in Rumania.  My father and mother were circus performers and as a child I traveled all over the world and was an interregnal part of the act.  We were tumblers and acrobats.  I left the circus at the age of 18 however and moved to Chicago where I became a professional wrestler.  Some of you might have heard of my ring name, Mighty Moe.  I can see by the nodding of some of your heads that you have.  I eventually married a lady from Allen Town, Pennysalvian and together we had three children.

“I grew tired of all the traveling that a professional wrestler had to do so I eventually used my circus skills and opened up a side show on the Atlantic Board Walk in New Jersey.  I taught my children how to tumble, juggle, ride a unicycle and other skills associated with the circus.  I might add that my side show business was very successful.

“I soon acquired enough money to retire, so sold my side show to my oldest son and looked for a place where my wife and I could settle down and live out the rest of our days in comfort.  We selected the Crisp Lake Community.  Your accepting me as a full fledged membember of the community will be greatly appreciated...  Thank you.”

President Butler was not sure what to say next, so Al Wisdom stood up and said that he appreciated Mr. Midget’s presentation and felt honored that he thought enough of the community to decide to make it his home.  “However, I checked our liability insurance and it appears that we cannot allow you to join our association because in so doing you would be illegible for all the rights and privileges of full membership, which includes swimming and diving during the summer months.”

“I am not sure I understand Mr. Wisdom.  I mentioned that my family made a living from the art of acrobatics and tumbling, did I not?”

“Gentleman everyone here was surprised to see Mr. Midget show up for our meeting tonight, except for me.  I suspected he would eventually seek membership so I arranged for Mr. Standard from our liability insurance carrier to be here tonight to explain why

Mr. Midget can not be made a member.  It has everything to do with money and liability and nothing to do with Mr. Midget’s stature.  Mr. Standard, if you please.”

“Thank you Al.  Gentleman your liability insurance is based on statistics.  The length of the swimming area from one side of the lake to the other is 56 feet.  The average height of the residents of Crisp Lake is five foot six inches.  The diving board is 10 feet high.  Your premium is based on the fact that one only has to swim ten times his own height and fall only 4’2” if hanging from his hands from the diving board, given a two foot arm length.  So you can see if Mr. Midget is allowed member ship those averages would change, making the average length of the swim across the lake and the use of the diving board a greater distance thus raising your premiums, and quite frankly I an not sure I could sell you a policy under such circumstance.  If there is no liability insurance there is no swimming or diving.”

“Well,” said President Butler, “That sort of sums it up.  It is just the law of averages and unfortunately Mr. Midget you fall below the line of acceptacance.  It is nothing personal, just business, so if there is no further business….”

“Mr. President,” replied Aldo Midget, “Are you saying that if I were taller that I would get admitted to the association?”

“Yes.”

“And are you saying that my rejection is based only on statistics?”

“Yes, and basic business principals.”

“And therefore if the average height of the community members would remain at 5’6” than I could be admitted to this body of gentleman?”

“Why yes Mr. Midget, but under the circumstances I do not see how such a thing would…”

“May I use your phone President Butler?”

“Certainly Mr. Midget.”

A few minutes passed and Mr. Midget returned to the meeting.  “Gentleman I told you I sold my side show business to my oldest son but did not mention anything about my two other children that accompanied my wife and I to Crisp Lake.  Gentleman I would like to introduce to you Tampa and Orlando Midget, my two youngest boys.

 The meeting participants turned towards the open door and there stood two of the finest looking specimens of manhood ever to grace the area of Crisp Lake.  They were well over 6 foot tall, blond hair, blue eyes and muscular build.  “Now Mr. Wisdom and Mr. Standard, and you too President Butler my two sons will be living in the old Baker house with us, and if my calculations are correct they will boost the average height of the local populace over the 5’6” mark.”

Mr. Standard made some rough calculations on a note pad and soon told Mr. Midget that he was correct and that in fact the premium would decrease based on the average height increasing.  “Statistically speaking and based on sound business principles, by accepting Mr. Midget’s application there is less distance to swim and less distance to fall.”